Joe Security Guard
It was a fall night at 2am; I was working my first "real" job after college. The psych ward was full of interesting stories. Nothing in a text book prepared me for this job yet I spent the previous four years educating myself for this very job.
This night was no different than the others...a patient would come into the hospital in a psychotic episode and needed to be restrained for the safety of themselves and others. However, this night changed my life forever. We often called security to help us restrain patients because let's face it, we were David and the psych patient was Goliath. This is when I met the most beautiful man I have ever known. There we stood; he at her arm, me at the leg, and of course me staring at the hot security guard not paying attention to what I was doing. The hot security guard smiled at me and *BAM* I was out. Well actually I was kicked by the patient because not many people want to be restrained and this woman was certainly not going to cooperate. As I was being rescued by my hot security guard, I couldn't help but think "why was I at her leg and he at her arm?" We clearly missed protocol on that one or I was trying to prove that I was a big tough, independent woman in front of the hottie security man. I decided to "note to self" for future reference and let the security guards handle the strongest part of a person.
As I sat in the office with an ice pack on my goose egg, I began to feel like a school girl again and caught myself daydreaming about life with my hot security rescuer. I caught myself writing my name with his last name, though I didn't know his last name. I only knew him as "Joe Security Guard," so naturally I did the next best thing..."Carrie Security Guard." "Yep that could work," I thought to myself. Just as I was doodling for the millionth time, my hot new security guard husband showed back up. Apparently, I had been dreaming for so long that I forgot it was time to take the patient out of restraints. Well fortunately my new man was here right on time to help. Hmmm...wait a minute normally we have to call security to remind them, I thought to myself. Could this be a sign that maybe he was interested in me???
After a month I got the courage to ask him out and wondered why he hadn't asked me out. I didn't care, I was going to Carpe Diem today! To my chagrin another girl was also pining for my man. Clearly she did not get the memo that this man was going to be my new husband; he just didn't know it yet. It's like I wanted to mark my territory and pee all around him, but I am a lady (and maybe a little passive aggressive) so I waited patiently for her to leave. Once she left it was game on!
Our fist date was October 25, 2000. It was a wonderful night and I didn't want it to end. He brought me back to Hog Swamp and I remember thinking "I don't want to go back". The next day Joe called and said that he also didn't like bringing me back to Hog Swamp; so he invited me to live with him. I calmly said, "yeah that's cool", but really inside I was freaking jumping for joy and not because I had just moved back to Hog Swamp after living in the Sorority in college, but because I got to live with the hot security guard! It turns out both Joe and I were madly in love.
About a few months of living in sin...err dating; Joe Security Guard came to me and said that he no longer wished to finish his business degree and would like instead to be become a police officer. My immediate thought was; well my "marry a doctor, be a domestic goddess plan, live in a mansion" didn't pan out after I met my Hottie McSecurity Guard. I was just settling on to plan B "marry a business man, have a part-time job, and be a domestic goddess living in a nice middle class abode" certainly was the next best thing. But, marrying a police officer surely meant "full-time job, living in Crapids with bed sheets as curtains." Naturally, my response was "I'm not going to date/marry a cop." What he did next sent my shallowness to the first circle of hell to go and play cards with the devil himself. He ripped up the police academy application and finished his business degree. I'm the worst person in the world at the moment and I clearly don't deserve this man.
One day after work we decided to go have some drinks with co-workers. We were all enjoying the atmosphere and each other's company and Joe whispers to me that the two guys at the bar are going to get into a fight. I draw my attention to these guys and they look like they were just having a heated discussion. Then all of the sudden one of the guys punches the other. Joe jumps over the table and runs over to the situation and grabs the one guy who punched the other guy. The rest of us basically ran the other way. That was the moment that I knew Joe wasn't meant for the business world. He was meant to be a police officer. Anyone who can carry on a conversation with people yet observe their world around them and run towards danger...needs to protect the rest of us.
To my surprise, Joe wanted to finish his business degree and try his hand in the business world. It wasn't a shocker that he got a job right away because he is the type of guy that everyone wants to be around. He's smart, funny, and of course unbelievably hot! The only problem is that he looked miserable (beautiful in a suit though), but a desk job was definitely not his thing. Thankfully, I since sought help from my parentals back in Hog Swamp about my shallowness and was given a long lecture about how selfish I was being. I decided they were right (shhh...don't tell them I said that). I stopped and picked up an application to the police academy and then headed to the local Target to find shiny new bed sheets for my future Crapids home. After filing out the paperwork I handed it to him and he said, "what's this?" To my reply, "your calling." During his time at the police academy, I had never seen a more happy, fulfilled Joe. It truly was beautiful.
On October 25, 2003 I began my life as a police wife...living in Crapids (minus the bed sheets on the windows)...married to the hottest most funny guy that I have ever known. Life was good.
I would like to tell you a little bit about my mother, Virg and what she has taught me and a “little” lack of teaching. I gave this speech at her retirement party. I think it went over fairly well. Enjoy!
Many don’t know, but my mom was an awful cook growing up in Hog Swamp. I remember a time when she called my grandma to ask “how to get the suds off of the chicken she just washed”. I’m no expert at cooking…thanks to my mom, but I don’t think “washing” the chicken means to use soap. Apparently, she was attempting to make chicken and rice in the crockpot. When we got home, we found rice overflowing the crockpot and a raw chicken on the counter. As a result of her awful cooking, we have had many documented cases of food poisoning. The first question I asked my stepdad when I first met him was “do you know how to cook?” I was 6. Typically, most 6 year olds ask to be played with. Mine was about needing food nourishment. Well, now that you are retiring mom, we implore you (for the sake of dad’s health) that you get yourself some nice cooking lessons. You certainly will have time on your hands.
Many of you know that my dad literally does everything around the house. The cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, yard work, etc. so she is pretty spoiled and I am sure in her retirement, she will still expect the same treatment. Though mom likes to make concerted efforts so I am guessing she will be calling a cleaning lady to come and clean while dad is at work and then make it appear that she cleaned all day. Well at least she is resourceful.
Speaking of time on your hands…I have to say that thankfully…I mean unfortunately I get to work during the day and so my sister who works evenings; will be inundated with calls from mom. Good luck with that Stacy. Let me know how that turns out for you.
In all seriousness, my mom has taught me some pretty valuable lessons as well. She has taught me about integrity and commitment. Speaking of commitment, I would like to show all Virg’s friends’ and family the commitment she made to my sister and I awhile back. We were all enjoying a weekend at the cabin and maybe a cocktail or two and my mom made a comment that when she retired, she was going to bring us daughters, son-in-laws, and grandchildren to Disney World. We drafted our legal document on this napkin for which you can see her signature. I have framed it to prevent damage to the napkin. If there are any attorney’s here tonight, I would like to know if this is legally binding…if so, I may need to seek your representation.
My mom was a stickler on getting to school and doing your best and blah blah blah, so much so I would like to point out this certificate I received at the end of 5th grade that read “Certificate of perfect attendance from grades 1st through 5th”. Yep…I was that kid infecting all the other kids because I am almost certain that I was sick at school on multiple occasions. I remember my mom saying “if you’re not dead, you’re going to school”. As a result of her “commitment” to her job and maybe a little bit of “control freak” she has accrued nearly 200 days of sick time. Virg either really believed in education or didn’t trust me to be home alone during the day. I remember one time, a teacher had called her and told her I wasn’t feeling well and was in the nurse’s office throwing up. My mom came to the school and said, “Why are you sick?” To my reply, “I don’t know mom…maybe because I have been throwing up all morning from the bologna and ketchup pizza you made last night?” Virg then said, well you seem to be done throwing up now, so let’s get you back to class. If I had “texting” lingo back then it would have been “WTF?”
Wow…so Virg you were with the District for how long…35 years. That’s pretty impressive. Not very many people can say they have been with the same company since they were young adult. When Virg started working in schools; kids were doing the Charleston, now her year of retirement she’s twerking right along with the kids…yes folks this actually happened.
It’s most likely because of the twerking and humor that my mom was well liked by her students. I was witness to that with my work with the school recently. Though there were the few that didn’t get along well with my mom and as a result has had a few nicknames over the years. The first one that I remember is “The bitch in the library”. I believe that one was given to her at a previous high school; though I am not certain who called her that because she would come home with more “senior pictures” than me. How embarrassing is that? I would look at her pictures and she would have the senior picture of the captain of the football team and it would say on the back “Virg, Stay Cool – Troy” I of course tried to be cooler than my mom and take her senior pics and add them to mine and my friends would think I was cool for having the captain of the football teams picture…until they read the back and would see “Virg” crossed out and “Carrie” added.
There was a time when my mom said that she wanted to move to my school and I said half joking, “if you go to the same school that I am in, then I am dropping out!” Can you imagine the damage that could have been done to my already lame reputation had she been allowed to work in the same school that I went to? I was spared, however my younger cousins did not fare as well. Though I heard her popularity only grew and of course my cousins as well.
It was at Blaine H.S. where my cousin Aaron gave her, her second nickname…Lunch Lady. Virg had lunch duty and would always come home and complain about having to do lunch duty. Apparently, she had to stand guard at some doors and not let kids through those doors. I am not quite certain why they would make her stand guard, but they picked the perfect person to do that. You would understand this if you have ever been yelled at by Virg.
So now that you are retired Virg, I have a little challenge for you. Remember that one time when dad was so sick and you had to do the grocery store and you had no clue how to grocery shop? So much so that dad had to draw you a map to navigate? And then you called me at ask “What aisle is the Coach Purse section” to my reply, “mom Cub does not sell Coach Purses!” Well, now that you have a lot of time on your hands and have since perfected shopping at a grocery store. I challenge you to a COOPon NOT Qupon war.
I hope you enjoy your time off, relax a little, volunteer at the grand kids’ schools, maybe do a little cleaning so dad doesn’t have to, but please god learn how to cook! Congratulations mom! You earned it!