Mom, When Can I “Date Tom?”

I was nearly blinded by the shininess of his perfectly white teeth and smile that he gave me to hear what he had to say, but decided; well he’s hot he must know. Dr. Hottie tells me it’s time to have the menses talk with Grace. I said to him, “um you just said she was on the zero percentile, so I’m pretty sure she’s not gonna have her period until she’s a senior in high school.” How did I go from being at her 9 year check up to now being told to have these adult-like conversations? There is so much that she needed to accomplish before she “loses her innocence” by hearing about all this!

Naturally, I went home and informed Joe about the conversation that we were supposed to have soon with Grace. Joe had a puzzled look on his face and said, “Good luck with that.” “Great…thanks,” I replied. Later Joe came into the office and asked if I had the talk with her. I said, “no there was something we needed to do first…and I just booked it…we’re going to Disney World!” Okay, so my rationale is pretty clear, even though Joe struggled understanding. Basically, once I have this “talk” with her; her innocence will be gone (okay fine, I am being dramatic), but we have never been to Disney World and she still believes in the magic of princesses (or so I thought) and I needed to bring the girls to Disney before this innocence was gone. Joe stared at me with a blank stare and I said, “how about we set you up with a deep sea fishing excursion?” Joe was in. Man this was too easy.

Disney was great…except we went during the busiest time and the hottest time of the year.

The time came and I was ready to have the “talk” with Grace. I enlisted the help of my awesome 15 year old babysitter, Paige. I thought…who better to bridge the gap from parental speak to kid speak than with a teenager. What could go wrong? From the start this was a hilarious disaster. It started like this:

Paige: “I got this…so Grace you know when I say I am dating Tom?...It means Time Of the Month…and then I say a week later Tom and I broke up?”

Me: “um…wait what? Dating Tom? Breaking up?...back in my day we just called it Aunt Flo…or Aunt Flo came to visit...or my step dad’s favorite Riding the Broom”

Paige: “no…that is why I am here. You clearly need me.”

Me: “wait…you date tom and then break up and you want to associate that with your period? What if you date an actual Tom?”

At this point we both look at Grace and see that she is clearly confused. So, Paige grabs her phone and pulls up a picture of a uterus and explains that once a month eggs drop out of these ovaries (pointing to the ovaries) and out your whohaa.

Me: “Paige we call it a vagina in this house.”

Paige: “that word is weird…call it whohaa, or nether regions, or who who dilly”

Me: “that’s what it’s called!” “Say it with me Paige v-a-g-i-n-a”

Paige: “you’re crazy, care bear”

Grace: “so let me get this straight once a month we lay eggs like chickens?”

Me: Omgosh Paige what have we done, we clearly suck at this…I suck at this! Hold on. I went downstairs and grabbed my 2 inch thick “How to say it to kids” book and pulled up the puberty section, skimmed it, and slammed it shut and said, “Grace once a month a female sheds egg’s, but you don’t see the eggs; it forms blood that does come out the vagina. You use feminine products to keep your underwear from getting soiled”.
As one could imagine the look on Grace’s face was what I didn’t want to see…ever! It was a look of disgust, shock, and disbelief. She looked at Paige as if to receive validation and Paige says, “yep…it sucks, but every girl goes through it at some point.”

Grace: “um…why are you telling me this now?”

Me: “well you may not get your period, but your friends may and they will talk about this at school and I wanted to tell you before school told you so that you know. Do you have any questions?”

Grace: “so these eggs when they come out, do they hurt?”

Me: “great question and no, but sometimes you get cramps in your stomach.”

Paige: “…and you get pimples, and crabby, and you hate life”

Me: “I don’t hate life”

Grace: “mom you get crabby a lot, is this why?”

Me: “ugh guy’s okay we are off topic again…focus…and I am not crabby all the time.”

Grace: “okay, so let me get this straight. Once a month eggs come out your nether regions (me: vagina), fine vagina every month but it’s blood and you don’t use a Band-Aid, you use a pad or tampon and this is normal?”

Paige and me: “yep that’s pretty much it”

Grace: “why because this sounds stupid and awful”

Paige: “um…yeah”

Me: “well Grace that’s a whole other conversation that I would really love to involve your dad in on. I would hate for him to miss out on that conversation.”

The next morning Grace comes into my room early and whispers to me, “mom those plugs that you bring to work to plug holes in the walls…I read on the box that it was called Tampons. You mentioned that is for your period so why are you plugging holes in the walls at your office with them.…and does dad know about all this?”

Me: “Grace not only does your dad know about this, but he will go to the store and get me feminine products if I need them and furthermore you better find a man that will do the same for you, got it?”

Grace: “mom you must be dating Tom right now can you tell me when you break up with him?”

Me: “Paige!!!!!!! LOL”