Roasted Virg with Bologna & Ketchup on top

I would like to tell you a little bit about my mother, Virg and what she has taught me and a “little” lack of teaching. I gave this speech at her retirement party. I think it went over fairly well. Enjoy!

Many don’t know, but my mom was an awful cook growing up in Hog Swamp. I remember a time when she called my grandma to ask “how to get the suds off of the chicken she just washed”. I’m no expert at cooking…thanks to my mom, but I don’t think “washing” the chicken means to use soap. Apparently, she was attempting to make chicken and rice in the crockpot. When we got home, we found rice overflowing the crockpot and a raw chicken on the counter. As a result of her awful cooking, we have had many documented cases of food poisoning. The first question I asked my stepdad when I first met him was “do you know how to cook?” I was 6. Typically, most 6 year olds ask to be played with. Mine was about needing food nourishment. Well, now that you are retiring mom, we implore you (for the sake of dad’s health) that you get yourself some nice cooking lessons. You certainly will have time on your hands.

Many of you know that my dad literally does everything around the house. The cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, yard work, etc. so she is pretty spoiled and I am sure in her retirement, she will still expect the same treatment. Though mom likes to make concerted efforts so I am guessing she will be calling a cleaning lady to come and clean while dad is at work and then make it appear that she cleaned all day. Well at least she is resourceful.

Speaking of time on your hands…I have to say that thankfully…I mean unfortunately I get to work during the day and so my sister who works evenings; will be inundated with calls from mom. Good luck with that Stacy. Let me know how that turns out for you.

In all seriousness, my mom has taught me some pretty valuable lessons as well. She has taught me about integrity and commitment. Speaking of commitment, I would like to show all Virg’s friends’ and family the commitment she made to my sister and I awhile back. We were all enjoying a weekend at the cabin and maybe a cocktail or two and my mom made a comment that when she retired, she was going to bring us daughters, son-in-laws, and grandchildren to Disney World. We drafted our legal document on this napkin for which you can see her signature. I have framed it to prevent damage to the napkin. If there are any attorney’s here tonight, I would like to know if this is legally binding…if so, I may need to seek your representation.

My mom was a stickler on getting to school and doing your best and blah blah blah, so much so I would like to point out this certificate I received at the end of 5th grade that read “Certificate of perfect attendance from grades 1st through 5th”. Yep…I was that kid infecting all the other kids because I am almost certain that I was sick at school on multiple occasions. I remember my mom saying “if you’re not dead, you’re going to school”. As a result of her “commitment” to her job and maybe a little bit of “control freak” she has accrued nearly 200 days of sick time. Virg either really believed in education or didn’t trust me to be home alone during the day. I remember one time, a teacher had called her and told her I wasn’t feeling well and was in the nurse’s office throwing up. My mom came to the school and said, “Why are you sick?” To my reply, “I don’t know mom…maybe because I have been throwing up all morning from the bologna and ketchup pizza you made last night?” Virg then said, well you seem to be done throwing up now, so let’s get you back to class. If I had “texting” lingo back then it would have been “WTF?”

Wow…so Virg you were with the District for how long…35 years. That’s pretty impressive. Not very many people can say they have been with the same company since they were young adult. When Virg started working in schools; kids were doing the Charleston, now her year of retirement she’s twerking right along with the kids…yes folks this actually happened.

It’s most likely because of the twerking and humor that my mom was well liked by her students. I was witness to that with my work with the school recently. Though there were the few that didn’t get along well with my mom and as a result has had a few nicknames over the years. The first one that I remember is “The bitch in the library”. I believe that one was given to her at a previous high school; though I am not certain who called her that because she would come home with more “senior pictures” than me. How embarrassing is that? I would look at her pictures and she would have the senior picture of the captain of the football team and it would say on the back “Virg, Stay Cool – Troy” I of course tried to be cooler than my mom and take her senior pics and add them to mine and my friends would think I was cool for having the captain of the football teams picture…until they read the back and would see “Virg” crossed out and “Carrie” added.

There was a time when my mom said that she wanted to move to my school and I said half joking, “if you go to the same school that I am in, then I am dropping out!” Can you imagine the damage that could have been done to my already lame reputation had she been allowed to work in the same school that I went to? I was spared, however my younger cousins did not fare as well. Though I heard her popularity only grew and of course my cousins as well.

It was at Blaine H.S. where my cousin Aaron gave her, her second nickname…Lunch Lady. Virg had lunch duty and would always come home and complain about having to do lunch duty. Apparently, she had to stand guard at some doors and not let kids through those doors. I am not quite certain why they would make her stand guard, but they picked the perfect person to do that. You would understand this if you have ever been yelled at by Virg.

So now that you are retired Virg, I have a little challenge for you. Remember that one time when dad was so sick and you had to do the grocery store and you had no clue how to grocery shop? So much so that dad had to draw you a map to navigate? And then you called me at ask “What aisle is the Coach Purse section” to my reply, “mom Cub does not sell Coach Purses!” Well, now that you have a lot of time on your hands and have since perfected shopping at a grocery store. I challenge you to a COOPon NOT Qupon war.

I hope you enjoy your time off, relax a little, volunteer at the grand kids’ schools, maybe do a little cleaning so dad doesn’t have to, but please god learn how to cook! Congratulations mom! You earned it!